I want to write more...

There's an incessant voice in my head telling me I'm not right.
She tells me my stories aren't valid. That my voice doesn't need to be heard.
Well, I'm not doing it for her.

I tend to catagorize myself into different persons. They're usually the negative ones that I try to separate myself from.

My depression has her own voice. She scares me sometimes. I remember I am stronger than her and her voice fades.

My insecure persona is louder. She tells me things I often believe. Lately, she has been telling me to grow out my hair. This way, I will get stared at less in women's restrooms. I won't be an inconvinience to people as they double check they are in-fact in the women's restroom as they see my profile washing hands. This comes from my M-word, who holds onto tradition. My real decision is pending.

I have a social media voice in my head. She tries to make sure everything I say sounds "me" enough. She checks to see if I'm doing things for attention. She used to count how often I punned. I do not know how often I usually listen to her. Her voice isn't as pressing as the others.

Then, there's that all to familiar voice that tries to shut me down. She invalidates me and my existence. She is the strongest when she invites the depression voice along. She tell's me I'm not x-enough, and lawyers up reasons to back up the statements.

I don't really know how I feel about these voices. I would like to think they are not my own, but they are. I do think identifying them allows me to understand a little more about my own self. I do think ignoring certain thoughts empowers me to be a little louder and prouder.

Disclosure: I am in no part trying to tear down scitzophrenia by doing so. This is just how my process works with identifying and classifying the root of these thoughts.

Last year with my few posts, I felt the need to have my processed self out there. This won't be the case this year. Like today, I plan and hope to share more of my raw or random spur of the moment thoughts along with some of those refined words.

Happy 2019 to you all!
I'll leave you with some of my resolutions:

• Read a new book at least every 3 months. And with those books, read a different genre each time (ie biography, romance, mystery). With this, my hopes is to diversify the material I intake.
• Drink coffee black except for a once a month sugary/milky treat. I already enjoy the taste of black coffee, but found last year I started adding more and more sugar to my cups. By limiting the sugar in coffee, I hope to be slightly healthier.  
• (I already accidentally broke this one today. Out of habit I walked myself to the coffee bar and added sugar. I already had a sugar filled coffee drink this month, so - oops.)
• Monday mornings will be me days. With my schedule this semester, I hope to set aside these mornings as a great way to be centered for the rest of the week. 
• I would like to teach someone how to drive stick-shift this year. I think this is a great way to solidify how I drive my jetta. And a way to prove my understanding as a manual car driver. 
• I usually also make emotional and physical goals, but I have not thought of any explicit goals.

Again, happy 2019, yall! 

I am really looking forward to this year to be wholesome.


I'm doing this for me.