Earlier this year, I went to LA Pride. I felt the need to go. By this point, I was already more than comfortable with myself. There wasn’t anything to hide. I wanted to experience another level of freedom. I had an innate desire to go and be present and flourish and have a weekend of yelling “I’m here! I’m queer!” over and over. And to be loved for it.
“I owe it to her.”
What?
I owe it to her. My past self. The little girl that was naive and later had so many self depreciating thoughts. I owe it to her. The moon and back. The love I allow myself to recieve, I owe it to her. The ability to flaunt my pride for a weekend, I owe it to her. The questions and doubts she flaundered over, I owe it to her. The confidence I now have under my skin, I owe it to her.
I owe her so so so much.
This does not mean I don’t love her, I do. I love the ways her eyes flashed with curiosity. I love her in her self-doubt. I love her in the moments of slamming her journal closed so no one could see. I love her.
As much as I think I owe things to my past self, I am able to love her.
Without her, and her story, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Without her, and her experiences, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.
Without her, and her existence, I wouldn’t be living today.
I love her.
It’s National Coming Out Day.
And, I salute those of you that have the courage to allow people in like you do. I salute those of you who choose to only share those intimate details with the great humans closest to you. I salute and love on those of you who are in a space of keeping things to yourself. You’re doing great, all of you.
Don’t feel like you have to be doing a certain thing.
Don’t feel like you have to be a specific person.
Don’t feel like you have to know who you are.
I just hope you are able to love yourself, and be that sweet friend to your own self.
Queer or not. Straight or not. Gender conforming or not.
You are loved.
I just hope you love yourself.
Hey Esther, this is Jenny. I was writing a response to you via FB, only to find out I was too late and that I couldn't get through to you. I totally understand. I apologize for having gotten to respond so late. The truth is, I was thinking a lot and when it came time to reply, I was too late. What I wanted to say was that I wanted to listen and hear everything -- and I mean, everything. The reason why I felt so hesitant was because I knew I already hurt you and I didn't want to hurt you again.. that's why. I won't write too much here to respect privacy, but I just wanted to say this. Also my phone recently died (like actually died) so I will be on my laptop/computer mostly for communicating.
ReplyDelete